It is focused and it is not broad. I narrowed my argument and made it specific to the "music as was the artistic form of LGBTQ minority that served as a shelter for gay minority. I focused on homosexual groups and not any other group; and music as form of art, not any other type of art. etc.
Modified Thesis:
"Music in the 70's and 80's was the artistic form of the homosexual minority to manifest sexual identification, acceptance, freedom, same love relationship abd strggle"
PARAGRAPH 3: TOPIC SENTENCE: The topic sentence summarizes the topic that will be discussed and supported in the paragrap; in this case, "gay music anthems as support for gay minorities"
TYPE OF PARAGRAPH: Paragraph by examples
LINKERS:
Linkers of addition: Besides, in addition,
COHESION: Anaphoric References: nouns, whose, it. Exophoric References: Gloria Gaynor, Village People, The Weather Girls, Diana Ross, AIDS.
COHERENCE: Topic and Comment: the type of topical progression is hypertopic.
HYPERONYM: Music HYPONYM: Song, lyrics, Anthem SYNONYMS: Song and Anthem
PARAGRAPH 4 TOPIC SENTENCE: The topic sentence presents the topic of the paragraph which is "homosexual expression in rock scene"
TYPE OF PARAGRAPH: Paragraph by examples
LINKERS: Additionally
COHESION: Anaphoric Refernnces: his, both, nouns, which Exophoric References:Elon John, Lou Reed, Andy Warhol, Sting, Holly Woodlawn, Joe D'allessandro.
Well Written Paragraph: Parts of a Paragraph - English Academic Writing Introduction
TOPIC SENTENCE
·First off start with a topic sentence, this
topic sentence must be related to the main subject.
· A
good formula to write a good essay is to write about an interesting topic
and give your opinion about it.
· The
topic sentence should not be overly detailed.
BODY
· The
body of the essay will contain the supporting details and the supporting
arguments for the topic sentence.
· The
arguments or details can be ordered either by order of importance or
chronologically.
CLOSING SENTENCE
· The
closing sentence has two functions:
a)- Reminding
the audience of the essay topic and
b)- Giving audience extra information about the
topic
2)- Topic setences and paragraphs:
a)- (TS) There are two broad theories concerning
what triggers a human's inevitable decline to death.
The first is the
wear-and-tear hypothesis that suggests the body eventually succumbs to the
environmental insults of life. The second is the notion that we have an
internal clock which is genetically programmed to run down. Supporters of the
wear-and-tear theory maintain that the very practice of breathing causes us to
age because inhaled oxygen produces toxic by-products. Advocates of the
internal clock theory believe that individual cells are told to stop dividing
and thus eventually to die by, for example, hormones produced by the brain or
by their own genes. (from Debra Blank, "The Eternal Quest" [edited]).
b)- (TS) Many Politicians deplore the passing of
the old family-sized farm, but I am not so sure.
I saw around Velva a
release from what was like slavery to the tyrannical soil, release from the
ignorance that darkens the soul and from the loneliness that corrodes it. In
this generation my Velva friends have rejoined the general American society
that their pioneering fathers left behind when they first made the barren trek
in the days of the wheat rush. As I sit here in Washington writing this, I can
feel their nearness. (from Eric Sevareid, "Velva, North Dakota")
c)- (TS) We commonly look on the discipline of war as vastly
more rigid than any discipline necessary in time of peace, but this is an
error.
The strictest military
discipline imaginable is still looser than that prevailing in the average
assembly-line. The soldier, at worst, is still able to exercise the highest
conceivable functions of freedom -- that is, he or she is permitted to steal
and to kill. No discipline prevailing in peace gives him or her anything
remotely resembling this. The soldier is, in war, in the position of a free adult;
in peace he or she is almost always in the position of a child. In war all
things are excused by success, even violations of discipline. In peace,
speaking generally, success is inconceivable except as a function of
discipline. (from H.L. Mencken, "Reflections on War"
[edited]).
